| peter pan. |
[04 Jan 2009|11:59pm] |
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i feel like i'm at a bit of a crossroads and i'm not quite sure what to do. i've been thinking a lot about all the time that has been wasted, about how things could have been different if i wasn't so stubborn. and then i look in elliot's little face and i could care less about any of it, all the crap all the stress it's gone. and for those few moments she cuddles up with me in bed and holds me tight i feel as if i've got it all.
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| huh? |
[02 Jun 2008|08:53pm] |
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music |
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at the drive in. |
] |
it's strange how things can turn around in the course of a week. people have time to cool, think and turn things around for the better. now the new challange... talk the bf out of moving to st. louis. i would much rather live here:
or here:
not in some neighborhood filled with trash... oh wait it's by the budwieser factory so it's cool.... yeah right. my choices are talk the bf out of st. louis and into seattle or san fran. or live in different states for a couple years and just fly out every other month.... yeah not gonna work for me. i don't know. i'll figure it out. i always do.
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| confused. |
[30 May 2008|01:21pm] |
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that has seemed to be the mood. i'm fine with things and i'm focused on elliot and i then i get a phone call and i get a little nauseous and i'm back to square one. i hate when people try to take a step back and be friends... i don't want to be your friend. if i did i never would have started a relationship with you. i can't talk on the phone and do the whole hey buddy how's your day routine. i can't turn my love for him off, it doesn't work that way. and the fact that he's being so numb to everything, it seems like i'm the only one hurt about the situation. i don't get it. and i can't help but think if ryan was here he would know what to say to make me feel better... he always did.
why can't i just have my cute boring love back?
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| hmmm. |
[22 May 2007|09:02am] |
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i started my new job today and i realized something. the thing i dreaded before i turned out to love. i always thought a 40 hour a week jobs would be the death of me, maybe not.
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| prolonging the inevitable |
[12 Mar 2007|05:19pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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explosions in the sky |
] |
i don't understand why we do the things we do sometimes. why are we with people who clearly don't want a future with us. confusion sets in. being scared of commitment causes you to change you mind. yet you're the one who wanted to be committed. i'm fine with the way things are but at the end of the day i have to sit and wonder if there is a future between you and i. i say yes, i really can see a wonderful future sometime down the road, but i have to wonder if you see the same vision. i've realized something with each passing year, i don't want to waste my time with these meaningless encounters. i understand dating is inevitable but in the end i wish there was an easier way. maybe the solution is to not date at all. i'm sure this is all being brought on by my recent change in mood. these are the days when i wish i could turn off my brain, it would save me so much trouble.
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| married |
[20 Oct 2006|02:48am] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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music |
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iron and wine |
] |
why do you ask me how it makes me feel if you really don't care. is my answer going to change your mind... it's almost like you're on the fence and you're waiting for me to tell you something to give you that extra push... maybe it's just wishful thinking
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| weak |
[19 Oct 2006|03:17am] |
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mood |
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death |
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music |
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minus the bear |
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i want to cry but i won't give in... i wonder how things would be, if you'd be sitting next to me smiling, if you'd be giving me kisses goodnight... if you'd still have that sparkle in your eye when you looked at me... i want you around despite how much it hurts cause deep down inside i'm hoping your feelings will come back as strong as mine have.... deep down i'm hoping you'll still love me the way i love you
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| douche |
[13 Aug 2006|04:22pm] |
i give up
period
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| dreams |
[14 Jun 2006|10:46am] |
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mood |
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emoana |
] |
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music |
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death cab |
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last night i had the most amazing dream. it was so real that i actually woke up and believed it was true... i swung my feet out of bed took a few steps, picked up my phone to call you and realized it never happened. we where standing there... she was there too... all we did was spend time together. it was like it used to be and i asked you if you wanted to try again... i asked if you wanted to take a chance and see what happens... you made me wait. you told me you had to think about it... it seemed like forever. i saw you talking to her and you smiled and i figured your mind was made up... then you looked at me, and you had this look in your eyes... you looked at me the way you used to and it made my knees weak. then you came over to me and hugged me and told me your mind was made up and you wanted me... you wanted to see what could happen... i was so happy. you kissed me and hugged me tight. then i told you i was going to go home and nap and call you later... then i woke up believing i had just taken a blissful afternoon nap... but that wasn't the case at all.
it kills me that i can tell you to stay out of my life if you don't want to be in it... but part of me will never let me forget your face... i hate that part of me
i wish i never would have asked if i could kiss you that night
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| i'm gonna be a mom |
[11 Jun 2006|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
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music |
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t.v. |
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and i think i'm going to be a damn good mom... and dad
maybe then people will give me some fucking respect and get off my back
time to go look at more baby names
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| ... |
[28 Feb 2006|12:32am] |
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mood |
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hurt |
] |
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music |
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the rain |
] |
this is not my life... it wasn't supposed to be like this
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| jack the dog |
[16 Jan 2006|02:27am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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bloc party |
] |
i feel stupid for thinking i could be happy.... i think way to much
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| yep... |
[13 Jan 2006|06:26pm] |
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mood |
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ehhh |
] |
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music |
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sigur ros |
] |
honey please come back. cuddles.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
awwwwww
you want me to come back?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
fuck yea!! come back. i never wanted you to leave.
get the fuck over here on the floor. call me now
it's funny how drugs change a person... it's sad how i can see the real person... the sober person and the good person... i'll always be the person you come to when you're "in the dumps" and i'll always take care of you.... it breaks my heart that you'll never really be sober but that doesn't mean i'll stop being your friend... i guess really the jokes on me
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| fucking chase... |
[13 Jan 2006|02:47pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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minus the bear |
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haha, thats funny... ill ask her about it, then yell at her and hit her then spit at her for you. lets make a baby
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ...christiana...
Date: Jun 20, 2005 12:21 AM
nothing all i said was " you didn't text me back, and that breaks my heart..." then she told me she hated me... i love you too <3
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: a hopeless sinner (chase)
Date: Jun 20, 2005 12:18 AM
hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what did you say to make her mad... shes like fucking 13, dont sweat it. i love you
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ...christiana...
Date: Jun 19, 2005 12:55 PM
i im'd you saying why didn't you text me back, you broke my heart... and there was an im back that said this is chase's sister and i don't like the way you talk to him so bye.... i was like cool... so your family already hates me... that's a good start to a marrige right?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: a hopeless sinner (chase)
Date: Jun 19, 2005 11:11 AM
huh?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ...christiana...
Date: Jun 19, 2005 2:00 AM
noooo... you suck and apparently your family already hates me... so it looks like we're off to a good marrigae... correct???
p fucking s.... why haven't you hung the fuck out... yeah that's right i said fuck twice
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: a hopeless sinner (chase)
Date: Jun 19, 2005 1:51 AM
you guys suck elephant
hahahaha there's more:
RE: bob the dog
can i be number second
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: ...christiana...
Date: Jun 26, 2005 11:44 PM
is my one true love.... yep go look at my pictures... <3
...
RE: damn indians...
they will be watching you ALL NIGHT LONG, they will be in your dreams
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: ...christiana...
Date: Jul 11, 2005 12:03 AM
all i have to say is thanks a lot chase.... i hate you
....
chase made me laugh... he was a good husband while it lasted... hahahahaha
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| i will follow you into the dark |
[11 Jan 2006|03:41am] |
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mood |
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kinda alright |
] |
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music |
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death cab for cutie |
] |
i'm scared that i gave into you and now it seems as if your desire for me has faded... maybe it is true what they say... you only want what you can't have.... well you can have me now so does that mean you don't want me? or am i just klinging to you like plastic wrap?
please tell me you want me too and that i am not the only one
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| word and shit |
[09 Jan 2006|11:20am] |
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mood |
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diseased ethiopian |
] |
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music |
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acacia strain |
] |
so i got a job at albertsons today and i've been talking to my ex since i got home... it's wierd i kind of miss him sometimes but i only miss the beginning of our relationship... the end of it sucked really bad. it got to the point that if we weren't drunk we didn't have a clue who the other person was. it's sad but that's how it ended.
but then i think of the beggining... we used to stay at the apartment and watch movies... he'd cook me pasta and we'd make coffee and sit on the patio for hours smoking cigarettes, laughing and talking... we'd go bowling and make random del taco runs in the middle of the night... we even had sid and nancy time... that was our special time.
but the funny thing is that i'm not really sad that we're not together... i miss him... but i'm not sad.... cause i get to have conversations like this with him...
ilikecurbs (10:17:10 AM): go suck a fuck
lust is blind (10:17:42 AM): no... that's your job
ilikecurbs (10:18:20 AM): no its yours fuck sucker!
lust is blind (10:19:04 AM): why are you such an asshole
ilikecurbs (10:20:07 AM): cuz im so good at it
lust is blind (10:21:16 AM): i just got a job at albertsons
ilikecurbs (10:21:30 AM): no way..
ilikecurbs (10:21:32 AM): you didnt
lust is blind (10:21:55 AM): yes i did jerk
ilikecurbs (10:22:52 AM): why?
ilikecurbs (10:23:00 AM): what position and how much they paying you
lust is blind (10:24:14 AM): cause i needed a job and they liked me.... duh i just bag and do carts and all that
ilikecurbs (10:24:44 AM): is it union anymore?
lust is blind (10:25:13 AM): yeah... i believe so
ilikecurbs (10:25:16 AM): hmm
ilikecurbs (10:25:31 AM): all i know is they pay their works shit now compare to before the strike
lust is blind (10:26:49 AM): oh sorry mr. cool ... i forgot you used to work there huh?
ilikecurbs (10:27:09 AM): yeah back when it was when the pay and benefits were good
lust is blind (10:27:37 AM): cool
lust is blind (10:27:38 AM): ass
ilikecurbs (10:27:50 AM): im just giving you a heads up
ilikecurbs (10:27:58 AM): have fun pushing carts for an hour
ilikecurbs (10:27:58 AM): haha
ilikecurbs (10:28:14 AM): and then they get on your ass about carryouts
ilikecurbs (10:28:25 AM): oooh doing go-backs will be fun too
lust is blind (10:28:35 AM): you're making me hate my job and i haven't even started yet
ilikecurbs (10:29:10 AM): im just telling you
lust is blind (10:29:17 AM): thanks
ilikecurbs (10:29:28 AM): and going on breaks and lunch is a pain too
lust is blind (10:30:04 AM): why?
ilikecurbs (10:30:23 AM): "can i go on my break?" "no you gotta wait for sally to get back, then freds gonna go on his, then you can go. why dont you bag for tim for a while. oh and theres"
lust is blind (10:30:59 AM): you're going to make me cry
lust is blind (10:31:01 AM): hahahaha
ilikecurbs (10:33:52 AM): they might even make you tie a bale.. those are always fun
lust is blind (10:34:09 AM): wtf is that?
ilikecurbs (10:34:12 AM): that job is only cool if the management is col
ilikecurbs (10:34:28 AM): this big machine in the back that compresses all the cardboard
lust is blind (10:36:07 AM): well i pretty much know everyone that works there cause of my mom so hopefully it's cool
ilikecurbs (10:38:01 AM): they used to be really shitty with promotions but i think they're better not cuz everyone quits haha
ilikecurbs (10:38:32 AM): ask the checkers how much they top out at
lust is blind (10:38:37 AM): hahahaha
lust is blind (10:38:41 AM): i will
ilikecurbs (10:38:41 AM): they used to top out at 18.00
ilikecurbs (10:38:49 AM): i think its like 12 or 13 now
lust is blind (10:39:03 AM): what did you used to do
ilikecurbs (10:39:03 AM): the meat cutters used to make 20 an hour
ilikecurbs (10:39:08 AM): butcher block
lust is blind (10:39:22 AM): i think meat cutters make 18 now
ilikecurbs (10:39:42 AM): i was making 12.12 if i came back they woulda transfered me to checker or produce so i could fall under the new pay scale
lust is blind (10:40:36 AM): lame... so that's why you didn't go back?
ilikecurbs (10:40:50 AM): yeah they wanted to ear fuck me.. and i just dont roll like that
lust is blind (10:41:20 AM): ohhhhh... is that crossing a line for you?
ilikecurbs (10:41:40 AM): yeah ill take a dick in about every oriface except the ear
lust is blind (10:42:00 AM): hahahahahahahahahaha
lust is blind (10:47:02 AM): i'm so sick right now
lust is blind (10:47:04 AM): i hate it
ilikecurbs (10:48:04 AM): that sucks.. i feel grreeeat!
lust is blind (10:48:22 AM): thanks for rubbing it in
ilikecurbs (10:49:22 AM): no problem.. im soo f word hungry
lust is blind (10:49:39 AM): fatty
lust is blind (10:49:46 AM): just kidding so am i
ilikecurbs (10:53:23 AM): you know ive lost like 25 pounds so far?
ilikecurbs (10:53:30 AM): maybe less
ilikecurbs (10:53:36 AM): lets just go with 20
lust is blind (10:53:53 AM): yeah i saw your pictures
lust is blind (10:54:06 AM): you look really good... i'm just giving you a hard time
ilikecurbs (10:54:13 AM): you can tell?
lust is blind (10:54:19 AM): i actually could
lust is blind (10:54:42 AM): when you had old pictures up and then new ones
ilikecurbs (10:54:42 AM): hmm.. cuz i cant haha
lust is blind (10:54:52 AM): you can tell the difference
ilikecurbs (10:58:52 AM): word
lust is blind (10:59:30 AM): have you been going going to the gym and stuff?
ilikecurbs (11:00:06 AM): yeah a lot
ilikecurbs (11:00:16 AM): my goal is to be like ryan reynolds
ilikecurbs (11:00:27 AM): i'd say im about a quarter way there
lust is blind (11:00:37 AM): hahahahahahaha
lust is blind (11:00:44 AM): yeahhh
ilikecurbs (11:00:51 AM): its not funny! its gonna happen1
lust is blind (11:00:55 AM): okay
lust is blind (11:01:00 AM): i believe you
ilikecurbs (11:02:18 AM): you better!
ilikecurbs (11:03:57 AM): why are girls such whore?!
ilikecurbs (11:03:59 AM): s
lust is blind (11:04:05 AM): why are you so gay
lust is blind (11:04:09 AM): ?
ilikecurbs (11:04:26 AM): hmm good point.. one of those questions that will never be answered
lust is blind (11:04:35 AM): girls aren't whores you just go for the whory girls
lust is blind (11:04:45 AM): hahahaha
lust is blind (11:04:53 AM): i'm guessing it's my question
ilikecurbs (11:08:21 AM): hmmm
ilikecurbs (11:08:33 AM): she didnt seem like one at first..
ilikecurbs (11:08:38 AM): she just kinda turned into one
ilikecurbs (11:08:39 AM): i think
ilikecurbs (11:08:40 AM): haha
ilikecurbs (11:08:56 AM): im really bad at reading girls at first so that could be y problem
lust is blind (11:10:27 AM): yeah
lust is blind (11:10:44 AM): i heard you really liked your ex too
ilikecurbs (11:10:53 AM): yeah
lust is blind (11:10:57 AM): girls are just shitty
ilikecurbs (11:11:05 AM): yeah they are
lust is blind (11:11:34 AM): i figure you dated me so it couldn't get much worse.... but then again i never cheated on you
lust is blind (11:19:57 AM): yep
ilikecurbs went idle at 11:21:56 AM.
ilikecurbs returned at 11:26:07 AM.
ilikecurbs (11:26:18 AM): haha
lust is blind (11:28:04 AM): word
lust is blind (11:28:12 AM): hahaha
ilikecurbs went idle at 11:36:50 AM.
ilikecurbs returned at 11:37:29 AM.
ilikecurbs (11:37:46 AM): and shit
ilikecurbs (11:37:50 AM): damn im hungrey
ilikecurbs (11:37:53 AM): i think im gona goto lunch
lust is blind (11:38:35 AM): okay well have fun.... i think i'm going to do the same p.s. i hate your guts
ilikecurbs (11:38:46 AM): youre stupid
lust is blind (11:39:14 AM): and you're gay
lust is blind (11:39:37 AM): i say good day
it reminds me of the way we used to flit with eachother... it used to go something like this:
him: go suck a fuck
me: how exactaly does one suck a fuck
him: i hate you
me: you're gay... pachina
him: pachina
hahahahahaha... i miss that fag
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| yeah doggie |
[08 Jan 2006|04:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the shins |
] |
i want to be happy like this again...
i hate being sick... yet it seems like i am all the time... my cars a peice of shit... my best friend and i have been fight for no reason at all... at least we got to talk today... my boyfriends an asshole... no really he said so himself and i need to find another job within two weeks or else i don't have a place to live
so instead of flipping out and yelling this is what i need to do... monday start looking for a job... and i really mean look... i already got my car towed and my dads going to start fixing it hopefully tomorrow... get better... that means taking a lot of grape medicine... thanks nee nee... once i get my car that means i can spend more time with nee and then we'll be happy again... and once i get to see nee more and my car is fixed and i have a job then i will be happy again and that means i will smile and laugh and that means moi will be happy and he won't be an asshole anymore.... so i guess in reality i just need to grow up a little more... okay maybe a lot more... but fuck it's about time... i am almost 22...
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| letting you down |
[05 Jan 2006|06:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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whack |
] |
| [ |
music |
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battlefront |
] |
it seems latley like the only thing i'm good at is letting people down. fuck i'm sorry... i don't know what to do things are different now. i want to move and i've turned a lot of people against me because of it. i just want to go and do something far away... i mean i need to get away from my family and prove that i can survive on my own. i feel trapt right now. i want to go get in a fight just so i can take out some anger... i feel bad for the person i end up fighting... i don't know i just have a lot on my mind and i feel like i have no one to talk to... not even my bestfriend... i'm afraid to talk to her cause i get scared of what she will say or what she will think... i know i'mnot living up to her expectations and i hate that i'm not the friend she wants me to be... don't worry though cause on top of being a shitty frioend i'm a horrible girlfriend too. i seriously don't even know how my boyfriend is still putting up with me. just this morning i told him i was going to punch him in the face for waking me up. fuck i suck at life....
all in all sorry to everyone for the let down
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